Remembering 2022
Remembering 2022
I find myself on the doorstep of 2023 not quite knowing where I am on this expedition or why I’m here. 2022 was a wild road trip — a year…
I find myself on the doorstep of 2023 not quite knowing where I am on this expedition or why I’m here. 2022 was a wild road trip — a year of nonlinear growth. I can’t tell if this windy, mountainous road of highs and lows has brought me to a better place than where I started out. However, I do look back and take in that the journey here has shaped me beyond comprehension.
This was the year of evening concerts, weekend hikes, middle parts, and the color green. A year of reconnecting with art in its many forms, falling in deeper love with film, leaning into friendships, and learning how to do life a little better. I lived in four separate locales, co-resided with three proud feline personalities, and technical directed for two feature films.
Around three homes and two cats into the year, I discovered Brené Brown’s game-changing book, Atlas of the Heart.
Brown guides readers through the complex jungle of human emotion, detailing each species and subspecies in the ecosystem. Some of the emotions that we seek to cultivate live symbiotically with ones we crave to eradicate. Others live parasitically, threatening to collapse the forest if left unchecked. Brown gives each shade of emotion a meaningful place in life and with it, paints a story of what it means to be human.
I’m abandoning growth as my measuring stick for this year. With definition snippets from Atlas of the Heart in hand, I remember and celebrate the spectrum of experiences which came with being human on this Earth for yet another circle around the sun.
“I define joy as an intense feeling of deep spiritual connection, pleasure, and appreciation.”
Joy has been every moment I’ve spent in the quiet presence of nature. 2022 marked the beginning of my fervent love affair with nurturing a small army of houseplants, each new unfurling leaf acting as a catalyst to rapidly intensify my addiction. As my love of nature outgrew my apartment’s floor space, I spent many a weekend hiking amidst the trees and relishing the chance to simply coexist alongside the gentle giants.
“If you’re afraid to lean into good news, wonderful moments, and joy — if you find yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop — you are not alone. It’s called ‘foreboding joy,’ and most of us experience it.”
Foreboding joy was in imposter syndrome, my consistent, apprehensive companion with every new exciting career opportunity. “Now you’re going to have to prove yourself to be worthy of this,” it hisses through a forked tongue. This year, foreboding joy’s challenge enlivened in me a desire to prove my doubtful self wrong.
“Vulnerability is the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”
Vulnerability was finally saying yes to asking for help with my mental health. After nearly a decade of thinking myself into cavernous depressive holes and hoping I could think myself out of them, I sought help via therapy and medication which gave me the lifeline I’d denied myself for so many years.
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
Connection was in watching films which illustrated how beautiful the highs and lows of life can be. My favorite movie of the year, Cha Cha Real Smooth, was a lightning strike of a reminder on how film can change the lens through which we look at our own lives. As a film about a recent college graduate navigating adult life, it was a mirror through which I recognized my own growing pains and was able to reframe them as essential character development in a greater story.
“Envy occurs when we want something that another person has.”
Envy was in wishing I could be traveling and seeing the world while strapped to a desk job as a corporate worker bee. The algorithms training on my finger swipes rapidly discovered my forbidden wishes and responded with taunting videos romanticizing quitting ones career to travel and reside in a motely of European cities. I don’t think this means of living is much of a tangible reality for me, nor would it lead to my long term fulfillment, but still, the envy was proving difficult to shake.
“Gratitude is an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”
Gratitude is a practice I’ve been working to weave into the fabric of my day as a means to harvest more happiness from what I have and placate the restless beast of discontent. I was humming with gratitude every time I made the Bay Bridge commute to San Francisco and caught a glimpse of the city skyline, ever transforming with the passing of seasons. It was always a reminder of the years I’d spent wishing for the life that I get to lead today.
“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, work perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
Adulthood offers the gift of unbounded possibilities and infinite choices. Perfectionism was in nearly driving myself mad with decision fatigue, thrashing between pathways and believing there was always an optimal choice to pursue. Unraveling this knot of a mindset has been a process of embracing stillness, trying to erase the toxicity in my discipline, and learning to rest without guilt.
“Curiosity is recognizing a gap in our knowledge about something that interests us, and becoming emotionally and cognitively invested in closing that gap through exploration and learning.”
An insatiable curiosity settled in as I delved deeper into an assortment of hobbies this year and discovered photography at the intersection of painting, rendering, and film. The YouTube and Instagram rabbit holes served an unbounded feed of content to keep me aware of my knowledge deficit and positively sprinting on the hamster wheel of curiosity.
“Anger is an emotion that we feel when something gets in the way of a desired outcome or when we believe there’s a violation of the way things should be.”
Anger was in every blow suffered by women’s rights this year: the overturning of Roe v. Wade, the murder of Mahsa Amini, the Iranian government’s response to the resulting protests, and the increasingly suffocating laws of the Taliban regime. This is anger I wish to never normalize or numb over.
“Awe inspires the wish to let shine, to acknowledge and to unite. When feeling awe, we tend to simply stand back and observe, ‘to provide a stage for the phenomenon to shine.’”
Awe was in the nights of looking out into the stars and trying to comprehend the magnitude of the universe. The night sky is an ever-present reminder of how little is known of our universe and how each piece of this world holds in it, a universe of its own: every person I’ve met, every place I’ve been, and every moment of this year.
And with that, the 2022 season comes to an end.
The Guest House
Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.